Insults (Jeremy Goodloe)

You know, having been a fat kid for a good portion of my life, I’ve been on the receiving end of countless fat jokes, fat insults, and general fat bullshittery.  As a kid it really used to get to me since I was active and not lazy at all, but here I am 2 decades later realizing that what I couldn’t control during my childhood was what I ate.  There is only so much you can do with a biological metabolism that doesn’t work in your favor and a diet consisting of fast food, allergens, processed carbs and refined sugars because that’s what was readily available and affordable.

Nowadays I don’t get as many insults because adults are -supposedly- more mature and above resorting to menial insults and shallow accusations of having an inferior body build.  However, just this past week it was brought to my attention that a soldier at Fort Lewis in the 51st Signal Battalion, Jeremy Goodloe, brought it upon himself to inform the whole office that I’m fat, and therefore inferior to -his- girlfriend.

Don’t judge just yet, because this gets better.  For the past few months, Goodloe has been dating a woman whose name has been a “Secret” to him.  Why the quotes?  OH!  Because she’s a stripper.  And that’s what she’s given him as her name.  Secret.  And up until a few weeks ago, that’s all she ever told him.  But that STILL isn’t the kicker.

He’s marrying her.

So after this announcement was made, others in the office of course were obligated to poke fun at him and ask him legitimate questions like, “Do you know her name now? What is it?”  and, “Is she…going to stop stripping, or are you cool with other men and potential co-workers seeing your woman’s tits and snatch on stage?”  You’d think that after thinking LONG AND HARD about whether or not to take a woman as your wife, you’d consider at some point how your peers are going to react to the fact you are marrying the woman you used to pay to see get naked.  I don’t know anyone who would keep a straight face and say, “Congratulations, Goodloe.  You’ve made a wonderful choice for a wife; a strong, intelligent, and modest woman with a good head on her shoulders with a well-established, respectable career.”

Okay, I lied.  I’d say some shit like that, then wait for the room to start rolling on the floor in profuse laughter.

But moving on, as it turns out, poor Goodloe just couldn’t handle the attention, and directed his embarrassment and frustration at another soldier in the office with a jab toward absentee me, (allow me to paraphrase), “At least my wife doesn’t need Slim Fast and isn’t fat.”

Awwwww.  You’re probably right.  Your stripper more than likely isn’t fat because she works in an industry that favors women with tits and ass and nothing between the ears. Your stripper is probably very thin, but also lacking muscle mass and strength for endurance since her longest “show” is what?  Maybe 3 minutes?  Perhaps she and I should compete in a PT Test.  Your stripper didn’t trust you with her NAME for months, but by some miracle of God, she now trusts you to be loyal to her, treat her right, love her, and take care of her.  While you’re at it, go ahead and give her your BAH benefits and Tricare!  I sure hope the expectations go both ways, especially concerning fidelity considering she makes most of her money trolling strange men’s laps for cash.

However, aside from her grade A manipulation into getting you to marry her, that’s probably the only A she’s ever received in her life.  Perhaps you’d like a recap of what this fat girl is and has that your stripper will never achieve.

I graduated high school in the top 10% of my class.  I received an appointment to the United States Naval Academy in 2003 from Wisconsin’s Republican Senator Herb Kohl after giving a 1.5 hour unplanned presentation during my interview on the risks and merits of introducing Nuclear Power to the state.  Though I did not attend USNA due to a medical elimination, I did attend and graduate from The Ohio State University with a Bachelor of Arts in Linguistic & Communication studies with a focus in Juvenile Speech Pathology for graduate studies.  I participated in ARMY ROTC and was a part of the Wysor Rangers unit at my college where I also made Cadet First Class by the end of my first semester, having demonstrated aptitude and excellence in leadership & coordination skills.  I was the Homecoming representative for the ROTC program, and traveled through New England performing with the college’s Gospel Choir.  I was a national Elite All-Star cheerleader for 2 years in a row and performed at the Capital One Bowl in Orlando, FL.  I co-founded the Adopt-A-Grandparent Club at my high school so that local senior citizens in nursing homes with no family didn’t live out their final days alone and without love.  I was a Team Leader for 5+ years in the annual fundraising Walks for A Cure benefiting The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, The March of Dimes, and Autism Speaks.  I have been regularly employed since the age of 16 and have 4 years of experience working in the Financial industry for a Fortune 15 company.  As far as hobbies go, I’m an accomplished artist working with wax and oil pastels, charcoal, and graphite, am an excellent photographer (you can ask Sgt. Judd; I shot photography for his wedding), and am musically inclined vocally and with the flute.

Perhaps you’d like to also know what this fat girl has endured throughout her life which has made it difficult to lose weight in the past and present:

I was born with a chronic HBV infection.  This means that a virus laid dormant in my body for years until I was about 17 years old.  Then it attacked my liver.  I have a compromised immune system as a result of this virus, and am extremely susceptible to illnesses that the average person’s body fights off without ever getting a sniffle.  I have been hospitalized numerous times for complications as a result of this illness, but never ONCE have I blamed the world for this misfortune. Instead, I’ve made a point of educating people I meet about my condition and how it affects millions of people in the US despite immunizations against it.

I have an anxiety disorder which has added a good amount of stress to my daily life.  But it’s not a crutch to me.  Instead, it’s a learning experience, and I enjoy the therapy sessions which teach me how to better control it and manipulate it into an asset instead.

I had Stage I Cervical Cancer at the age of 22. I got lucky at how early this was detected, therefore I only had to endure 2 painful procedures to remove the cancerous cells.  It has yet to be determined if this will affect my fertility.

I have had terrible luck with men.  My first husband was a fucktard who, I imagine did pretty much what your stripper is going to do.  Marry you, stop working and refuse to try, stop making an effort to “keep up” with themselves, spend your money, drain you dry, get knocked up (or in my case, knock me up), then cheat on you and leave you before losing the baby and blame you for it.  My second husband was a saint.  The only problem was he was a very complacent person who never challenged me and never took responsibility for improving his own life to increase his own happiness.  I get the feeling that shortly after YOUR marriage, you will never be able to do anything right, will be constantly challenged in your decisions, and she will never be the one responsible for unpaid bills, a vehicle repossession, or for your best friend getting her drunk and sleeping with her.

Considering the shit I’ve been through, I have to say that my experiences and successes are pretty fucking impressive, and I don’t know anyone with a brain between their ears who would say otherwise.  In fact, of the quality people I keep around me, I’d venture to say that every single one of them would prefer to have a fat spouse who is intelligent and accomplished than a skinny, high school drop out stripper with a drawer of crotchless panties.

Appearances don’t last forever.  Remember that, Goodloe.  And while you’re at it, here’s a bit of commentary from me to you while I CAN say it without repercussions:

You are not a good looking man for starters and I’ll tell you why.  It’s not necessarily due to physical attributes you possess or lack.  You have a piss poor attitude, and the jokes you’ve attempted to present while I have been around have never been funny.  Nobody looks up to you.  You are looking at a pretty dead-end future if you don’t pull your head out of your ass, and you had better hope you don’t join me in the ranks of the fatties or you’ll be shit out of luck when you pop tape because no one is going to defend you or advocate for qualities you exhibit that make you worth keeping around.  You are shallow, arrogant, ignorant, and though I’m positive you’re full of untapped potential, the “you” part of “you” is the only thing keeping you back.

And I am seriously looking forward to that can of Slim Fast when I come visit your sorry ass with my butter bars, since you’ll be BACK in the barracks after your stripper leaves you and takes everything you’ve ever earned, and then some.  Normally, I wouldn’t respond to something like the arrogance you exhibited the other day, but you attacked a part of me that I didn’t choose.  Your soon-to-be-stripper-wife chose to be a stripper, and you are choosing to marry her.

Cheers!

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